i lost my shit

As every other day, I tried to be or shall I say that I tried to act as though everything is normal today. But deep down, I know that things are going haywire. Inside and outside.

Covid cases are rising day by day eventhough we are under a strict lockdown period for about more than i’ve lost the count months plus. As a SME business owner and having a non-essential business ,we had to hold back our business operations to flaten the curve that is not getting flattened any time soon.

Everything was going on fine, until few weeks back, where I kept on receiving news about people that I knew personally passing on because of covid and also getting admitted because of it too.

Still, I tried not to feel disheartened on those news and let it pass by trying to distract myself by doing other things, mostly engaging with ET Ideas and Ascendance stuffs.

And today,I broke down because I couldn’t take it anymore.

I cried and told Kanesh that when things get back a little normal and when we start stepping out from our homes we might not see half of the people we used to meet daily before Covid because they passed on.

Because we are literally receiving death news almost every day.

As such,we lost a very loving old couples last week.

A little story that I remember about them.

They are one of my dad’s regular customers for years, maybe more that 15 years plus. My dad runs a recycling company, where this particular couple goes around the town with their maroon van and collects unused boxes from shops, brings it and sell it to us. They come about two to three rounds per day.

The most common question the aunty always asks me was “sudah makan?” (had your meal) and continues with a little chat about daily life, this continued to happened for many many many years I worked there until I got pregnant and stopped working but she did ask regards of me and Arthi often through my dad or Kanesh.

And during chinese new year,they will give us boxes of mandarin oranges.

We might be receiving mandarin oranges from others after this but there will be a little hope in us that tells “it would be nice if they were around”.

They are actually customers who became a family.Those who deals with customers and do have a strong foundation of regular customers will understand the emotional connection I am trying to explain here.

Well, the reason why I am sharing this to you is because, I am seriously unsure how long this pandemic is going to be and how many life’s it’s going to take.

But when things get back to normal,nothing is going to be the same.

A very hard lesson learned; cherish everyone’s presence and every moment with them always.

Even though I am pretty calm and composed person, I am mentally feeling low and keep on losing my temper most of the times. Lockdown is effecting everyone emotionally and mentally.

To be honest, not really feeling my own self recently and also with all the news that we are being surrounded with, making it hard to wake up in the morning with a hope to have a better day.

Feeling everything is fine but at the same time I also do feel that everything is not fine.

But what is pushing me to go through this lockdown phase is the whispering sound that my heart makes.

Better days are coming soon.

Signing off with hope :).

4 thoughts on “i lost my shit

  1. I can relate to you at a personal level. I know I’m in no position to tell you this because I only have an inkling of what you are feeling right now, but it gets better! Hang in there and let’s continue hoping for better days. We are with you in this journey xx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Pingback: The Weekend Docket - The Mission Within

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